December 3, 2012 @ 6:30 p.m.
A: “Did I tell you last time when I dreamed you were pregnant that you were were pregnant in January?”
December 11, 2012 @ 11:38 a.m.
B: “Hey Rose, you guys are still trying, right?”
R: “We are. Still nothing, but yes we are trying.”
B: “Last night, before I went to sleep I felt like God said it was gonna happen soon. It was very…distinct.”
On December 31, 2012, right before heading out for our New Year’s party, we found out we were expecting our first child. We were ecstatic and simply overjoyed. We could not have asked for a better way to start off the new year. Our excitement was short lived, the following weekend after we found out we were expecting, I began to experience increasing cramping and bleeding. I still remember Sunday night, coming before God in prayer and writing in my journal, “I seal this with an amen.” When I closed my journal, something compelled me to look up the word “amen.” I have spent a lifetime ending every single prayer, big or small, never knowing what amen stood for. That night, I discovered “amen” means “so be it.” So be it whatever decision is made, I am going to trust in His sovereign plan. I have always believed that God can take the ugly and the bad and create new life and purpose in all things. My beliefs were put to the test this past week.
On Tuesday, I was admitted into the emergency room, where my dear redheaded friend stood by my side for the next three hours. That evening, I was informed we had lost our first child. Though our time together was short, the aching of what could have been will always echo in our hearts. I have an opportunity to choose in this situation.
I choose to be grateful…
for those that cared for me this week.
I choose to be joyful…
for the deepening of friendships, with those who have shared similar heartache.
I choose to live…
beyond this moment.
I choose to celebrate…
the discovery that I am fertile.
I choose to remember…
in my redheaded friend’s beautifully scripted handwriting the peace that was given to me.
I choose to believe…
that one day we will have a child of our own.
Come what may, I will choose to view each day, each moment, and each child as a gift.
“So be it”